


You Are Cruel

by RosaKei



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Beginning is told from Armin's POV, F/M, Friendship, contains manga spoilers, wrote this in a rush so-
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29972301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaKei/pseuds/RosaKei
Summary: “Both of you are cruel. So cruel.” Armin whispers, with much hurt that only deepens the guilt in the fragile, or maybe even broken heart of the red-scarfed woman sitting next to him. “…And the worst part of it all is that I can’t even bring myself to completely resent the both of you, even after that.”In which, Armin is unable to find it in himself to fully resent Eren and Mikasa despite having left him behind the past four years.(CONTAINS MANGA SPOILERS)
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	You Are Cruel

**Author's Note:**

> To note: Beginning is told in Armin's POV; also Please read Author's End Notes!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.**

* * *

Did you know? I was the calmest one among everybody else when the both of you didn't return that night. Whilst everyone panicked at the possibility of you two getting lost, kidnapped or even ran away from our obligations and responsibilities, I shook my head, with my heart full of disappointment at the little faith they had in the both of you.

Since long, I had sensed the tension bubbling between the both of you all these years; so, when I noticed the both of you slipping away from the group to a shelter away from the public eye, I didn't chase nor question. I merely looked away, and smiled. Because finally, that tension was going to be relieved, right?

It was a nice, heart-warming thing to know that even amidst this chaos, the both of you managed to find something so beautiful to quell the screams and agony of what laid ahead.

I was happy for the both of you.

When the both of you didn't return that night, I had _naively_ assumed that the both of you wanted more time alone. I had _naively_ assumed that 'more time' meant a day—no, rather, I had naively assumed that the both of you would eventually come back.

Because regardless of that spark the both of you found for one another after all those years of denial and ignorance, we were still close friends, right? You _will_ come back. Soon. And not just because we had a responsibility, not just because we had the whole world's fate weighing down on our shoulders—but also because I was your friend, I thought you would at least come back for me.

Or at least bid me a proper farewell. Or something, anything to tell me that you were alright.

_Neither of you did._

Both of you just left, without a word or a trace. God knows how far the both of you ran; was it across rivers, seas, mountains or even countries? Or were the both of you just too good at hiding?

Oh, but those weren't my first thoughts at all. I had wrongfully held out too much hope and faith of the imaginative idea that you two wouldn't have just left, completely. After a week, panic started to emerge from my heart, slithering along my veins and arteries, clenching down tightly ever so enthusiastically—it was suffocating; the idea that something happened to the both you leading to your disappearance was suffocating, because at that point of time I couldn't do anything. With no leads, nothing… what could I even do? How does one even work with that?

Hah, and I still tried! Did you know how frustrating it was? I asked around, searched every nook and cranny, day and night non-stop. And all I was met with was a dead end. That was the most frustrating part—feeling so hopeless, helpless…

_Loneliness._

I did all of those things, with this… indescribable, horrific feeling of void and emptiness that consumed bits and pieces of my heart and soul every day without realisation; until Jean pointed to my reflection one day and spoke to me in the most empathetic way despite his own feelings of exasperation regarding your disappearance, "You're breaking, Armin… and for what?"

For the first time, I noticed the dark circles under my eyes, along with the evident lethargy _in_ my eyes. I no longer walked so straight, my back was hunched, I was getting thinner. In summary, I was beginning to look sickly, and to me it was pathetic. I was a titan shifter for crying out loud! With regenerative abilities beyond our times, how could I look so sickly when I still had something to do?— finding the both of you.

However, when Jean's question finally registered and sunk in, my focus snapped back to him, in absolute disbelief.

"For what?" I gasped, with much infuriation at his lack of understanding; he had been a friend to the both of you too after all. "For what?! What do you mean 'for what?' For _who!_ It's for who! It's for them— Eren and Mikasa! What if someone had actually kidnapped them?! What if something bad had happened to them? What—"

"Armin!" The gentleness in his voice had dissipated, conquered with something more bitter. I was startled. But more than anything, I didn't understand his meaning at all. "Has it even… occurred to you that maybe they weren't kidnapped? If they were… we would've gotten some sort of threat sent to us by the enemy… but we didn't. We _didn't_ , Armin." And Jean must have noticed my swirling confusion even after that explanation that hinted too much about your whereabouts, because the next few words he said were like a bullet to my head. "They abandoned us, Armin."

'Huh?'—was the first word that came into my mind, and then, I was hit with denial.

"How could you say that?!" I was livid, and now I wonder… for what?

"Armin, it's been four months! And nothing has happened, changed or even surfaced! Think about it." Jean reasoned, hands grabbing the blonde's shoulder roughly, shaking him as if to snap him out of whatever delusional trance he was in. He was one of the most logical people after all, how could he not connect the dots, at this point?

But even logical people are human too. "Even you said it before in the beginning, the chances of them being kidnapped are unlikely at this point in time, not with their calibre. They don't care, Armin. They left us, what other explanation is there?!" Jean continued, frenzied. It was safe to say the hectic predicament the both of you had plunged us all in was driving us to the brink of insanity. Were you even aware of how much impact your absence had?

"Four… months?" I murmured then, shocked.

It had been four months and I didn't even notice. Time flies, doesn't it? It flies so fast, too fast for me. I could barely catch my breath for the next year or so when I _still_ held out hope.

But hope can disappoint, surely the both of you are aware of that right? Hope, like a candle, burns so furiously and intensely until it _doesn't_ ; until there is nothing left to hope for. That's when darkness starts to loom over with its foreboding and numbing presence, feeding you with nothing but a cruel despair that churns and churns inside of you, but you can't vomit it out. You can't dispose of it, nor can you burn it away because it burns _inside_ of you, in such a revolting way.

And… it was so lonely, dealing with all of this, even when Jean, Sasha and Connie and all were by my side.

It was so lonely, and that was the most tragic part.

How could I feel so lonely even when I was surrounded with people who I knew cared about me, right? It was almost offensive. It wasn't that I didn't care about them. It was just… different. With you two, everything was different—in a good way, of course. It was a difference I treasured so dearly; and that was one of the core motivations that pushed me to continue in my search, even when there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, I wonder if I had ever acknowledged of the fact that the both of you had abandoned me, even till today. I believed I fell into complete despair at a point, where this sense of hopelessness chained me to the ground all day, unable to move. Yet, I never stopped in my search. I never stopped thinking about our reunion.

So yes, I lost hope. But I was obstinate, I refused to believe that the both of you had left me even when all the evidence (or lack thereof) pointed otherwise. What I did believe at that time was that you two were not cruel people.

Though similar to hope, even beliefs can burn, or in this case shatter in unrecoverable pieces. I can still pick them up and hold it closely, but it will never be the same.

Looking back, training and my committing to my responsibilities were all a blur. What I _could_ recall vividly were the dreaded mornings and haunting nights that were all too daunting for someone like me. It got to the point where I started to ponder if the both of you ever actually cared about me. (Yet ironically even with such thoughts, I shoved down and pushed back the idea of ever coming into terms with or acknowledging, even a little bit, that the both of you left).

It was a chilling thought—and I never dared ponder long enough to get an answer.

Even if I did, I doubt I would ever be able to comprehend it.

I could understand the relationship between the both of you was vastly different from the ones you had with me. But was it _so_ different that you never considered me in your departure?

I loved the both of you too, you know? And maybe a little too much.

Did you two even miss me? Or did my existence turn into ashes in your memory?

So many unanswered questions, and now _he_ can't answer it. He couldn't.

I couldn't tell if it was a dream or not that night. _Supposedly_ , I was wandering around the forest alone. I didn't wish to sleep, having dread the possible nightmares to come. I recall I was thinking—what the topic was in question, I didn't remember. But if I could take a guess, it was either about the turbulent circumstances both of you chose to abandon, in which had escalated, or about the two of you. It was _always_ the two of you.

_I… care too much._

Then just as I thought that, you appeared.

You dare appear after all this time.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw the familiar, shadowy figure approaching. There was no way.

Four months… now, four years, you choose to show up?

Relief. Excitement. Anger. Pain. Sadness. They were all building up, and then intensifying with such heightened pressure when the moonlight had finally shone across your face, revealing your emerald eyes full of vitality and apology that gave away your identity. What a strange combination.

What was even stranger was my inability to act, or perhaps comprehend the sight before me. How could I?

I had so many things to say, yet nothing came out. I didn't know which emotion to shoot at you first.

While I was relieved you were safe, that relief was soon flamed and burnt with nothing but pure indignation. Because that'd mean Jean was right. That would mean everything I did was… _for what?_

At the same time came the waves of sadness that threatened to extinguish the burning vexation I felt. Because at the same time, that would mean… I was abandoned. I was forgotten. I was not enough.

I was _nothing_ , to the both of you.

"We're sorry, Armin." Was the first thing you said. For what? For who? I wondered then.

Then I wondered where Mikasa was.

"Wh- I—"

Although before I could voice a query, I was interrupted by you embrace.

And I melt.

For a moment, a very long moment as your arms wrapped around, tightening around me I had forgotten my anger. And suddenly, that suffocating feeling I felt all this time during your absence collapses as the haunting loneliness was finally chased out by this warmth of yours.

I missed it. I yearned and yearned for even more of it despite having it now; I fear it will disappear once again just like how you did that night.

"I'm sorry, Armin. For everything." You continued, voice breaking. A part of detested myself in that moment for I felt no infuriation, no urge to push back and yell at you for causing all my and everyone else's misery. Not yet at least. And I have your shaking voice to blame; _why did it sound like you were going to disappear again?_ — was what I anxiously thought in that moment. However, overwhelmed by your mere living, breathing presence was enough to prevent that anxiousness from manifesting into something ominous.

Albeit I did flinch the moment I realised the confluence of those hazardous emotions resulted in the tears streaming down my cheeks when I was unable to deal with the indecision of what to convey to you first.

You appeared and sounded genuine, and I believed you were.

But could I believe myself in believing that? After all, I had been wrong. Jean had been… right. Partially… right. Right?

" _They abandoned us, Armin."—Please don't tell me he was right. Please._

"…Why?" was the first word I manage to choke out as I sobbed.

"I… wanted to live the rest of my life peacefully—"

"And _I_ couldn't be a part of it?"

Eren bit his lip. "You would've stopped us."

"So you thought… leaving me behind was better—"

I felt the rage starting to burn, and I wondered if you noticed because everything started to feel… light. I was becoming light-headed, and I assumed it was your doing. It was aggravating and upsetting in more ways than one. Running away for four years and leaving me behind was one thing; to continue your disappearance after what I thought was the sincerest and most genuine apology I ever heard from you in all my life was another horrid thing.

While the lightness was a refreshing contrast to the heaviness I felt all this time, it wasn't until my knees buckled and my body started to numb, did that refreshing feeling turn sour.

"…So you're just going to disappear again?" I managed to spit those words out, a little more bitterly than intended. Though, I didn't regret it. "…You are cruel, do you know that?"

As the world fogged, I forced whatever conscious nerves were in me to squint my eyes, only to make out a fairly blurry image of you and your teary eyes, and bittersweet smile.

If the reasoning behind your tears was regret of leaving me behind, then tell me why you never came back once to drag me along? Or at least leave a message? Was I not worthy of even a single 'hello' or 'goodbye' until now? I didn't understand.

I still don't.

"I'm really sorry." You murmur your third apology as my energy completely drains out, eyes giving into the sudden fatigue. "…Next time, I won't leave you alone."

_Next time? What next time?_

_Why next time? Why not now? Why not then?_

_You can't just leave me again, Eren!—I wanted to yell, but to no avail._

"… When you wake up, Mikasa will be waiting for you near the ocean. Till next time, Armin."

Everything grimed and blackened out for what felt like seconds, and the next thing I knew when my eyes flickered open, was that I awake in my room. I cast a glance out the window, to see the sun setting. How long had I been sleeping? Why didn't anyone wake me?

Such trivial questions didn't captivate me for long, not after that dream. I had more pressing matters to deal with. I had more important questions to ask.

Mikasa. I had to see her. I wanted more answers.

(I wanted to see Mikasa, too.)

Then, without a moment's hesitation, I run out.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Armin knew which part of the coast Eren referred to; it was the first place they went to after the fall of The Wall. He ran and ran, heart racing as the blue ahead became more apparent, as the sound of the waves crashing against the sand became clearer after each step he took.

And when he saw a familiar figure sitting inches away from the waves, red-scarf wrapped around tightly with her head buried in between her knees—he felt his heart stop, and for a moment he had forgotten how to breathe.

Once again, the same overwhelming emotions when he had seen Eren that night began to swarm inside of him, almost choking him for he didn't know which to articulate first.

He didn't even give himself time to organise his thoughts since waking up, or even now. He missed her. Despite everything, despite his fury, sadness, disappointment and whatnot… he missed her. _He cared too much._ The moment he caught his breath, he sprinted towards her direction as questions started to bubble in his mind.

So many unanswered questions, even more so after Eren's visit.

However, when Mikasa looked up and turned towards Armin's direction; when their eyes locked, when Armin saw the grief in those grey, lifeless eyes, every question and everything that had been shrieking for an answer in his mind and heart came to an abrupt halt.

Then, he realised this time, Eren wasn't here with her. It would be a lie to say he wasn't afraid of knowing why.

Quietly, Armin made his way towards her, keeping a fair amount of distance between them when he sat on the sand.

"… I'm sorry." Mikasa said before the silence could cloud and envelope them. She had the same tone as Eren's in his apology.

If Armin hadn't cared, he'd probably felt disgust and disdain. Because how dare they sound like they were breaking. It wasn't as if they were the one left behind to rot in the dust.

"You have every right to deny my apology. To hate me. After what we did… I—"

"I just want to know why, Mikasa…" Armin managed, and because he couldn't choose what to convey first, his tone was devoid of emotion. It wasn't that he didn't want an apology. He just happened to want answers more than them; rightfully so. "Especially… from you. Our… friendship." He watched as Mikasa's grip on her scarf tighten, and the remorse flooding out of her eyes. She knew what he was going to say next very well.

"Back then… we'd always… talk and worry about how Eren was always ahead of us… running to some faraway place out of _our_ reach… I'd have thought you wouldn't leave me behind once you caught up because… you knew what it felt like. To be behind. The suffocating feeling of running far too long, chasing after something you couldn't catch. I thought you'd have… tried to ask him to slowdown and yet you…"

Armin trailed off, unable to bring himself to continue when he realised it started to hurt, again. It hurt thinking that they abandoned him.

It hurt. They had hurt him, and for what?

"We were selfish… there's no excuse." That wasn't what Armin had wanted to hear. It was an awful thing to hear if anything, because it was the truth coming right out of the culprit's mouth; it was a truth that he had always hoped and believed to be a lie. Now, he had no choice but to acknowledge it.

Out of the blue, Armin noticed Mikasa shifting towards his direction, kneeling down as her head bowed in shame and guilt. "I'm really sorry. For everything." She repeated softly, "You… must have suffered so—"

"It's… let's not talk about that now…what would even be the point?"

He noticed Mikasa lifting her head slightly, lips parting as if to ask something. Albeit she stopped herself, gaze averting away. It was obvious to Armin that Mikasa was well aware of the hurt she had caused him, and was refraining herself from asking him anything doltish.

At the same time, it was obvious to Armin too, what she was going to ask.

"If you're wondering, I am furious." He scoffed.

Indeed, he had felt the rage settling back in, but upon realising that it was pointless to yell at Mikasa (and that he was reluctant to even do so, not after that look she had first given him. What caused that look, anyway?), upon realising that it wouldn't turn back time or erase the pain he underwent, he chose not to project it, at least not too much of it, not now.

"Both of you are cruel. _So cruel._ " Armin whispered instead, with much hurt that only deepened the guilt in the fragile, or maybe even broken heart of the red-scarfed woman sitting next to him. "…And the worst part of it all is that I can't even bring myself to completely resent the both of you, even after all that."

Admittedly, Mikasa was a little caught off guard. She… wasn't expecting that. She wouldn't necessarily call it forgiveness (she wouldn't dare) but she had expected him to be angrier, she expected something worse—and she would take it. She deserved it. She knew.

"….Where's Eren, anyway?" Armin finally asked, and he noticed how her eyes started to fill up with sorrow, while it did worry him a bit, he chose to remain silent until her response.

"…He…" Mikasa took a deep breath, straightening her back, albeit her eyes refrained from meeting with Armin's, instead choosing to focus on the plain sand. "…He passed away. Yesterday."

Ah.

" _Till next time, Armin."_

So that was what Eren meant. Armin noted, eyes narrowing as he felt his chest tightening; as he felt a certain sense of loss—different from the one he felt when Eren and Mikasa first disappeared, they were still alive then after all.

Now one was dead.

 _So this is grief._ Armin bit his lip, hand clenching the area where his heart ached. _And that was his goodbye… how cruel._

"Oh…" was all that he could muster up to say in that moment.

"…He told me to pass this to you." Mikasa said after a minute, rummaging through her pocket to dig out an envelope. "He… really wanted you to read it."

"A letter…?" Armin muttered, taking the letter gently from her. " _Just_ a letter, huh?"

"Armin—"

"Just—" Armin was quick to cut her off, "Just… can you bring me to the place you buried him?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

There Armin was now, his back resting against a tree, sitting next to Eren's grave. Mikasa sat on the other side, allowing herself to immerse in the silence that enveloped them.

Neither of them recalled who broke the silence first, or what words did. But eventually, they started to talk. Some laughs were heard every now and then despite the situation they were in; oddly, there were no tears in sight despite the fact at some point in their conversation, Mikasa showered him with the cold truths of their abandonment. There were no tears, none at all… yet.

When everything quelled, Armin sprung on a new question once Mikasa made him aware of what Eren said to her before he departed.

"What do you plan to do then? Run off and live freely again?"

There was that bitterness and fear Mikasa sensed, and it was something she couldn't blame him for.

"… Armin—"

"That's the biggest irony isn't it? Freedom, that is. By having a freedom of your own, it can end up stealing the freedom of others. I wonder if… Eren was ever aware of that." His fingers brushed against the letter Eren had bestowed to him; unopened. Yet.

"In any case… you know what Eren said to me in that 'dream' I briefly told you about? He mentioned a 'next time'… I wonder what that was about. Our next life?" Armin scoffed, eyes starting to water much to his unawareness. _Why couldn't it be now?_

Mikasa's hand found itself reaching out to Armin, though before she could touch him, she hesitated; unsure if she should, or if she was even allowed. She didn't have much time to contemplate the answer either way, for Armin turned to face the raven with a river coursing down his cheeks; a contrast to his smile. It startled Mikasa; she flinched. However, her hand didn't completely retract nor did Armin appear disapproving of it.

"…Can you promise me o-one thing, Mikasa?" Armin murmured, voice quivering as he found himself struggling to articulate himself amidst his tears. "I-If... there's a next time—"

Again, he was met with an embrace. Her embrace.

Again, he melted.

It was a warmth he had missed so much.

"I… promise." She pulled him closer. "Let's… all three of us be free, together, next time."

**.**

**.**

**.**

I do not recall what happened next, because in the present moment I found myself awake, this time at war with you, Eren.

When you said that next time you wouldn't leave me alone, did you mean you'd abandon Mikasa so she could be with me?

_How cruel._

Then again, the more I wonder, I start to ponder if I should blame you or the world that forced these different, ever-changing circumstances upon us—circumstances that never really gave us all freedom nor happiness. It was always short-lived, wasn't it?

_Oh, you are cruel._

Was it that hard to stay? Or at least wait up? You don't always have to be ahead. It doesn't have to be a race; It doesn't have to be a chase either.

Now, as I charge towards you, storming with an indignation that I no longer hesitate to display, I plead you, Eren.

_Next time, please stay._

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was really rushed (got too excited and motivated when I read the recent chapter haha) and honestly not how I fully intended to execute it. However, with my busy schedule and life, I didn’t think I’d have the time to finish this, especially with my other ongoing fics that I should probably pay more attention to when i have the time LOL. I really wish I had the time though, so I could improve this (I’m pretty sure there are a lot of grammatical errors in this but pls pay no mind HAHA). I could’ve just continued another day but I’ll be honest with myself… it’ll probably be floating in my drafts for 973478 years if I did that lol.
> 
> That aside, I hope I did not offend anyone should I have portrayed Mikasa and Eren a little too… well, mean and in a critical way here. That wasn’t my intention; I just really wanted to capture Armin’s emotions for being left behind. I also read that manga chapter in school in panicked mode since class was starting and I was rushing LOL so hopefully I didn’t capture anything inaccurate here; if I did, my apologies.
> 
> In conclusion, this is not my best work and perhaps if the world is kind enough to offer me time, I’ll rewrite it; albeit it is unlikely. If anyone wants to write about Armin’s emotions regarding this ^^ honestly go for it, I’d love to see more works portraying it.
> 
> Well… now back to crying about school-
> 
> Thank you for reading. Please leave a Review! Constructive criticism is welcomed.


End file.
